When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
