Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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