I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
