girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
