I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
