Already got asked if we're dating
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
