I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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