I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
