talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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