The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
false alarm, still single
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
