Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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