im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
jump out the window naked night went bad
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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