apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
