i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
