i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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