You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
