...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
