apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
