I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
