I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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