guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
