I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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