I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
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