literally had 100 drinks last night.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
