Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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