So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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