I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
