I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
