before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
