im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
that is very illegal...i love you.
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