Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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