Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
