I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
