Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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