Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
