I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
