When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
