We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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