I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
