I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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