If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She told me I should be a condom model.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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