all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
