What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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