i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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