I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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