Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
this hospital has no fireball
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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