everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
