People in love make me want to vomit
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
