I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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