Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
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