u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
