We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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